Sick & Tired

Someone once said to me that I would regret not getting married and having kids - because who will help take care of me when I am alone, sick and need help? They were right.

Because now... it would be nice to have someone to come home to to let me complain about the tests they are doing on me and just be there for me. I am so tired of taking care of everything myself - and now that I am ill.... it's getting sorta tough. I can't wait until they finally put me on meds so that I will get some relief.... physical and emotional. Helping the physical will help the emotional. It's the nature of what is going wrong. Everything is breaking down right now.... and it's hard to get someone to really understand that when I say I am tired.... it's soul crushing exhaustion. I don't sleep. Possibly 2 hrs a night for a few months now. The physical pain is really hard to deal with. Everything hurts. By the end of the day.... I can barely get myself into my car. It is really upsetting when it's blown off.......

I don't want to burden my Mom, etc... by constantly calling - so I try and keep it to a minimum, and have to restrain myself from calling and complaining.

Like I said - eventually when I see the specialists.... most of the symptoms will at least subside a bit ... they better, because I don't know how much I can put up with.

I've always joked around and said "oh, my niece will take care of me when I am old and need family"... well, right now, she is 7 1/2 ... so yeah... not exactly equipped yet - even though she is the light of my life.

Oh, and what about friends? When you need someone to turn to - you really see all to well who is a real presence in your life and who is a "ghost". Unfortunately, I have more ghosts than I particularly care to have - and when all you need is a hug - vapor isn't very comforting.

Crossroads

A crossroad. You don't see it coming most of the time until you are staring it directly in the face. It doesn't really matter what it is - it could be work, or deciding to change your appearance, not liking your where you are living and moving, or relationships. It can be simple as a haircut or more life changing.

Yesterday while wandering peacefully around Central Park, several scenarios came to mind that I had time to think clearly about without the interruptions of "daily life". It was rather lovely to be able to just have a stream of consciousness going.

One of thoughts that came meandering in was - when is it ok to give up when something is not working for you? When is the point where it's too much to keep going, and be able to find the strength to let go for your own well being? Taking control comes easy for some people..... it takes me forever to make those decisions because I tend to hang in there until it's too late. It's my faith and optimism that it's all ok that sometimes prevents me from seeing clearly. When the clouds finally part, I have a tough time dealing with the fallout, but eventually know exactly why things happen the way they do. There are the times of course, where I have a laser sharp vision right from the get go, but let things develop and see how they pan out. I am almost always right about my first vibes.

So now, at a crossroad... I have some decisions to make.

Nappus Interruptus

Why is it that everytime I try to take a nap, one or more of the following things happen - no matter what time said nap is scheduled for?:

* Downstairs neighbor's radar for blasting their VERY LOUD Mexican folk music
* Landscapers prolific use of a leaf blower
* I have to pee every 10 minutes
* One of the cats feels the need to bang on the door for attention
* My property manager decides to drag all the garbage can from the parking lot to the front and visa versa
* Above mentioned asswipe who has Ray Romano's voice without volume modulation, engages ANYONE who will listen in a conversation how his rent/utlility free existence is a bitch, as is his pregnant one legged wife. (his thought.. not mine, she is lovely)
* Mom calls
* Medical condition kicks in and I want to die
* Someone decides to test their car alarm over and over and over
* The horn blasting trains come waaaaaaaay more frequently than usual
* Or I just have so many things racing around in my mind that I just can't relax....

Deja Vu

Lately I've been getting some deja vu vibes about a situation I went through a while ago. There are two people I know that have very similar traits, but in varying degrees. There is something unsettling about this. Secrecy, "bending" the truth, omission, and the need to reach out and constantly insinuate themselves into people's lives. This is all under the guise of wanting to be "social". People have even asked me if these two entities were the same person! I noticed this all immediately and was sort of wary, but decided to see how it would pan out. It's actually pretty funny that these two have said some very, very disparaging things about the other to me, but yet choose to have a social relationship. I certainly don't have time for crap like that anymore. Why on Earth would someone want to have people who are like this in their life? It's baffling to me.

Additionally, why is it that no one takes responsibility for the way they make others feel? Safely tucked under a self-helpy blanket... The theory that "only you can decide how you feel" is bullshit. You can feel all you want, the challenge is how you manage it. People do hurtful things to other people, sometimes big - sometimes very small, TAKE responsibility for it. Realize what effect your actions/in-actions have and accept the reaction they get. Don't blow it off as "well that's their problem".

Like people who outright lie (big and small) - they think it's not known, but they are oh so wrong. So never assume that no one knows, just because nothing has been said. And I know a lot... a hell of a lot - I just choose to let it go - but only for so long.

There is a lot more I can say about all of this, but having gotten past it the first time, writing these simple paragraphs was more than enough this time.

Been there... done that - don't want to visit again :-)

Undeniably Unmotivated

It's been a long time since I've felt the motivation to write anything.... lots of stuff going on, but not really much to write home about, so to speak.

I've been wrestling with some decisions I've had to make and coming to grips with an issue that arose from the medical tests I had. All in all, my condition is up in the air.... no resoultion as of yet. Frustrating. The one thing did come out of it was a bit hard to handle at first, yet oddly ok once I thought about it. Nothing life threatening - but definitely altered my thinking of the future and what I thought could be one day....

One decision I did make over the past two weeks, is that I definitely have to move on from my current job. There comes a time when you realize that no matter how "comfortable" it is, there is no going forward and no challenges left. I am at this point now. So, armed with an updated resume... off I go on the job hunt.

Where is Dr. House When You Need Him?

I can't describe the depth of how ill I was today. It was bad. All I wanted was someone to rip out my insides, bathe them in cold water and then put them back in.

Being stressed a bit at work did not help the situation at all. It's the time of year where we really have to gear up for the new school year. The kids come back in a couple of weeks - damn, the summer went fast! It's a lot of work preparing for the start of a school year.

When I got home, I managed to eat something and keep it down/in - then passed out from 5:15 until 8:30. It's now almost 11:30 and I'm ready to pass out again. There has to be an end to this. I'll find out in a few days - Thursday is the "big tests day". Maybe then I will stop feeling like I am going to burst into tears every few hours.

It's upsetting to me that there are people I know that don't understand the side effects of my condition. I had someone say offhandedly to me this weekend "Boy, you are high maintenance", "You and your muffins" - all because I needed something - anything - to eat so that I wouldn't get sick. It was said in the tone of voice usually reserved for people like... Paris Hilton.. all because I needed a muffin/bagel. This is someone who once saw for themselves just how sick I can become if I don't eat (I've almost passed out twice in public). It really hurt my feelings. I don't think I will be spending much time with this person anymore. No great loss.

Time in New England... Took Me Away...

Well... ok, for a few hours at least. One of the great things about my job is the staggering amount of paid time off I get. So Friday and Saturday I was able to take the day and spend some time with friends in upstate NY and, MOST importantly - go to Williamstown, MA to see Raul Esparza as the Stage Manager in a reading of " Our Town". He was great and took the part in a much more congenial and playful direction than other productions. It was very well done. The actors assembled for the production were fantastic.

It was a really busy weekend!

The drive up was a little frustrating early on because of construction, but I had a great stress relieving laugh at the rest stop. It was the type of ladies room where the ventilation system was very old, loud and noisy. I had just walked in when an older woman with a very pronounced Long Island accent proceded to proclaim.... "Oh... I'm so glad it's not quiet in here, this way I can pass gas and no one will hear". Yeah... saying it that loudly sort of defeats the purpose of your thought....

While driving back, my eye was drawn to a small grassy patch about 20 feet from the road. There were about 6 or 7 moving lumps - I thought they were gophers or something similar, but it turns out they were wild turkeys. I hadn't seen them since I lived up in the area. When I got home, I made sure the cats and the fish were fed - and then I was off again!

I am very proud of my cousin. She is a very bright young woman from California who received a full scholarship from George Washington University, and she was visiting her aunt (my cousin) before she went down to DC - so I drove and hour and a half to see her. WELL worth the trip - she is wonderful.

I figured this was a good opportunity to see the parents - so we went to dinner and a movie. I got home around midnight (my day started FRIDAY at 6am !!) and promptly passed out.

Today, after some major house cleaning/re-arranging AND baking some goodies for friends - I had the pleasure of going with said friends to see the closing performance of Luisa Strus' one woman show. It was part of the Fringe Festival. She was incredibly engaging as she recounted parts of hers, and her parent's lives. She is definitely one to watch!

Even though weekends like this physically tire the hell out of me .... I know that life is too short and you have to push yourself as long as you can and make the most of it.

Sometimes... "The System" Works

For the past year I have been living with a personal legal issue that has had me tied up in knots and had effected every single facet of my life. Something like this puts a future on hold until it is resolved.

When I came home from work, I ate something and then for some reason decided the kitchen needed a good going over. After taking out the garbage, I spotted my mail on the counter and realized I hadn't even given it a second glance. I turned the envelope over and.... there it was. The address of the court on the upper left hand corner..... I've been excited, nervous - and dreading the arrival of this envelope for three months. This issue was what my journey to Newark was all about: Newark on $25.50 A Day.

I opened the envelope with my eyes closed ... a little dramatic, I know - but I did. There in bold letters was the decision in my favor. I now have my future back - if that makes sense.

Like any good Jewish girl, the first thing I did was call my mother.

Long And Winding Road

While talking to a friend today, the subject of my adoption came up. Why did it come up you ask? Because I received a call from my birth mother at work today. I hadn't spoke with her in many many months. She is on the batshit crazy side and a bit fried due to a life filled with drugs. Apparently, the side effects have lasted well into her latter years. But I digress.... my friend really didn't know the details of the opening phase of this chapter in my life, so I decided to re-publish my initial entry from a blog I had in a former life. So pack a lunch....Here goes.... it's really, really long :-)


October 26, 2005

9:38 am Trying to process this new development in my world is intense, to say the least. Thank G-d for Elaine, my searcher. She has been an angel and over the past week has become a significant part of my life.

Now that my head is clearer, I can document better how it went down (more for myself than anything :-):

Thurs Oct 20th:

I posted my info on the NYA list in the evening.

15 minutes later I get an e-mail from Elaine telling me she is going to find them for me and that I should call her.

We talk for a while and then she gets to work. And when I say gets to work.... she is persistant, determined and will call anyone anytime to get results.


Fri Oct 21st:

Calls and e-mails back and forth with Elaine - she has contacted a few men with the last name I had at birth. The men in a family are they key to finds as unlike women, their last names don't change. She spoke to a few people, but nothing yet.

She gives me homework. I have to go to the NYC library and go back again into the NYC Birth Index books and get the names of males born in 1945, 1946 and 1947 with the last name I was born with. This is the key.

From the info I was given by the agency that now has possession of my records (the original one is out of business - GOOD. More about that later), my birth mother and her older brother were extremely close in age. Elaine figured out that they are about a year apart. He was a freshman in college when I was born and she was 18 - she did the math.


Sat Oct 22:

Cold rainy day - but I trek into the City to do my homework.

The Geneology Room was packed. There were lots of adoptees/searchers looking at the books doing their own research. I managed to find the books I need and start writing names.

There was one name in particular that stuck out - it was the birthday. I put a big question mark next to it, packed up my things and went home to e-mail Elaine my results.

SIDENOTE: I was at the Library a few years ago to research my info. I had found out that an adoptees birth certificate number never changes. Lighbulb went on and I went to the library. I was there for 6 hours looking through the index books from 1965. Why 6 hours?? Because the books are arranged by last name, not number. I had to go through each freaking name in the book and try to match the number. I finally did - right before the Library was going to close. I also took the names of all the females born in 1947 - knowing ones of those names was my birth mother. There were 4 names and one listed as "female"....

Back home around 4:00 - e-mailed my findings to Elaine and started waiting. She was out for the day and most of the evening so I knew it wouldn't be until Sunday that I would hear from her.

THE DAY - Sunday Oct 23rd:

I was on my way to the City at about 10:30 to meet my sister and Mom for lunch and to see "Trailer Park".

My cell phone rings at 11:00 - it was Elaine. I didn't really think anything of it because we had been talking for days.

She asked how my drive in was going, traffic, etc... and told me to keep my eyes on the road - or better yet pull over. That's when I knew she had something to tell me.

Remember the male's name I put a question mark next to? Bingo. It was her brother. Elaine spoke to his wife who confirmed that she did indeed have the right family and that she knew all about me. He happened to be home and literally almost fainted. He spoke to Elaine for a few minutes and needed to hang up to collect his thoughts.

11:30 - my cell rings again - Elaine. She tells me that he called her back and gave her his mother's phone number and that she spoke to her. They are all in Florida - and bracing for the hurricane. Little did she know that hurricane Lisa was about to descend on them.

Elaine tells me that the first thing my b-grandmother said was "I have to talk to her - have her call me".

Keep in mind that this is all happening while I am waiting to meet my Mom and sister for our Girl's Day Out!

11:45 - I call (my b-grandmother) - it was rather amazing. She was calm and collected for about 5 minutes and then she broke down. She kept telling me that it was a miracle and that they had tried to look for me for a very long time.

After about 10 minutes on the phone with her - she says "Oh - my daughter just came in from the pool - I'm sure she wants to talk to you (she was laughing when she said this). I almost passed out. (my birth mother) was there to make sure her mother was ok during the hurricane. Birth-grandmother hands the phone over to her and says "Your daughter is on the phone". So, birthmother gets on the phone and says "So, you are still alive?". I said "uuuumm yeah..." In the background I hear birth-grandmother say... "No, this is your FIRST daughter". (That's when I knew I had a sister!)

Birth-mother then starts to cry. We had a nice talk for about 15 minutes - then I realized I had to meet my sister and mother and had to get off the phone.

It took all the strength and willpower I possessed to act as natural as possible when I met up with them. My sister looked at me knowing I had something to tell her - Mom had no clue. We went to lunch - when Mom had to go to the ladies room - I knew I had about 3 minutes to fill my sister in on what had happened this morning. So I told her as much as I could before my mother got back to the table.

Since Sunday, I have spoken to them AND my niece a few times. A lot of questions were answered and even more popped up - so this is going to be a long and winding road.

Very short list of things I did find out:

My birth father is deceased. He died in a drug related car accident. He was a troubled person. (Elaine has found his brother, who is a doctor and left messages for him to call her). That is going to be a trip!

My birth mother and my Mom have THE SAME birthday (different years, but holy shit) She was the one listed as "female" in the birth index.

I have a half sister - who has a 9 year old daughter . I spoke to her also - she is wonderful! My half sister is missing (she is a drug addict and disappeared - I don't know how long she has been gone - I will get more info on that in the coming days)

My birth name, Lorell, came from a L'Oreal ad featuring beautiful redheads. Too funny! (Dreamgirls! - I was first)

I have a lot of family that I will need to be in touch with. It seems that the entire family knew about me. I was told that my existance was not a "dirty family secret" and that everyone knew.

So.... that's the story so far......

I'm doing quite well with this. It's a very odd situation to be in, but has been suprisingly comfortable.

6-21-07 NOT the end of the story by any means, but I will save that for another time.....

BackTo Basics

It seems like it has been so long since I've been able to write. Life has been particularly busy and wonderful. Since my last entry, I've seen a bunch of shows, taken an almost week long vacation in the most "magical" of places, visited with friends about the City, celebrated my parent's 50th (!) anniversary, etc.... Life is very good.

I realize that at this point in time, everything is sort of "in place" - and it's a very peaceful feeling. Having the right people in (and in some cases out) of your life at the right time makes for a very pleasing existence.

I have some phenomenal friends that I have made at work. They are creative, intelligent and caring people. In July one of the most fantastic of the bunch is getting married. I cannot wait for this event. It is a 1920's theme wedding in an old mansion. I will be living the good parts of "The Great Gatsby" for one evening. What an event this will be! The dress I have is spectacular and I can't wait to wear it!

A few friend's birthdays are also coming up (one of which I missed last year), so more good times to be had :-)

Deconstructing Seth Rudetsky

First and foremost... I love this man. His undeniable passion for, knowledge of, commitment to, and yes... occasional indignation (read: bitchiness) about all things Broadway is on a level that defies gravity (pun intended). His dedication to BCEFA and the Actors' Fund is unparalleled.

This past Monday, Seth's show Broadway 101 was constructed as a "lesson". I wish all school work was as insightful, entertaining and as passionately taught.

Many areas of the behind the scenes aspects of a Broadway show were addressed. Seth's brilliant insight and creativity gave us such demonstrations as: Andrea McArdle and Laura Benanti not so subtlely demonstrating the difference between head voice and chest voice; Mano Felciano finding his "moment" in timing with the conductor; and Seth's magnificent turn as a swing showing the sheer terror of going on for the first time; and my personal "made me weak in the knees" moment... Raul Esparza backed up by 8 beautiful voices (to demonstrate harmony).... singing "Morning Glow" from Pippin. If one's knees could buckle while sitting down... that was the reaction I had. But then again, he could have sang Jingle Bells for all I cared and I would have had the same reaction.

Seth also let us have a sometimes emotional peek into a few of his experiences as a child that lead him to where he is today. They were very personal moments presented with his usual style and flair. After all who gets to have Jen Cody portray themselves as a 8 year old boy... wearing yarlmulke?

Seth - It would be a priviledge to study with you for an advanced degree.

High Tide

The rain Sunday into Monday was of biblical proportions.

I went to work on Sunday for a few hours since there was a major event there that I had to finish coordinating. The weather was not so awful at that point, BUT the fact that I had to go to my office.... not that fun. By the time I got home - it was starting to get rough. Since I was not about to go out again without an ark, I was consumed for the rest of the day with my SIMS and their lives :-)

So yesterday, Monday morning, I got up as usual to start my day but discovered there was no hot water. *sigh*... you deal with it. As I leave the house, the rain was not as bad as it was Sunday night - but it was still a bit ugly. The traffic was very light... that should have been my first clue. I pass 3 schools on my way to work and usually there are buses and backups at the lights - there were none. I make the turn into my parking lot and...... it was empty. At that moment, my phone vibrates telling me I had a new voicemail message. I knew what it was going to say. ... but I listened anyway. The school was closed because of flooding (the call was made at 6:45 but didn't come through until 8:10).

I turn around - go home - made coffee and once again entered the lives of my SIMS - then I saw the horrific news of the massacre at Virgina Tech. I stared at the TV with utter disbelief and a broken heart for the students, their families and the community - and realized that my minor inconveniences over the past two days were positively insignificant in comparison. Most things are. This act was incomprehensible.

Last evening made up for the dreary past two days. I attended Seth Rudetsky's Broadway 101. What a wonderful evening of song, dance and Seth's hilarious deconstructing of Broadway shows. My next entry will be about it. It deserves its own highlight.

Right now, I am home.... sick and it looks like a nap is in the very near future.